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killing in the name of.....

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Research in dance paper [05 Oct 2005|02:40pm]
it's longCollapse )
3 comments|post comment

PICS [04 Oct 2005|02:15pm]
here's pics i promised to boysaresick

they're supposed to be about the media and society and how it tells women we're all fat, and make us feel ugly and not good enough, in a nutshell.

sorta big pics, might take a minuteCollapse )
9 comments|post comment

[03 Mar 2004|08:50pm]
Hello - This is crossposted to several places...
It's my Research in Dance survey. I hope no one minds my posting it.
You can either respond in my regular journal, where IP logging is off and you can respond anonymously....or you can email me - but then i have your email address and i know who you are.....
but if it's just your LJ name, i still dont really know you unless your my friend friend in real life....
so...IP log is off at my other journal - scarletkittygrl. feel free to respond there.

Thank you a MILLION for replying, if you choose to do so.
This is a BIG deal - i need OPINIONATED people to help me and fill this out!!!
it's on

so.....anyone who's in theater, dance, film, classes for any of those...etc.
stage work....
please come fill it out.
don't put your name, or your friends names, your professor's names...etc.
let yourself be heard!

15 comments|post comment

updates [16 Jan 2004|03:04pm]
ok. several issues have come up in here.....
trolls suck. yes.
i banned as many as possible. i deleted a lot of posts. if i wrongly deleted you, and youre reading this and you're wondering why i did so - PLEASE email me at violetdollgrrl@aol.com or aim me at firecrackerktty - leave your LJ name and ill unban you.
i have added one more mod, and im looking for 3 more. there will be 5 mods - based on the fact that this community is huge. I have been paging through other huge communities (based on their size, not on content) and seen up to 10 mods on one community. (most of these, strangely enough, are those ratings type ones. they get a lot of flame war stuff in there...)
SO. if you think you're up to the job, COMMENT HERE.
it wont be based on stats or anything like that - that's ridiculous. i need 3 people that know their way around LJ, have a lot of time on the computer, and are frequent commenters in the community.

another issue that has come up is
Should we make this a CLOSED community?
my personal stance is that there are a lot of people that just come here to read for support, and shutting them out might be really unfair. sure, they could join - but they might not want the LJ, or have all that info on their comp, or their parents comp....
I think maybe trying it for a month could be a good tester idea, just to see how it goes.

i think that's all the business.


anyways....here's me.
i hate my medication. it makes me completely like, not care when i eat. i HATE my body so much.....then i get hungry, and im like....."fuck it ill just eat, because it doesnt matter, im just going to be fat forever"......eating makes me so depressed....
im on effexor XR 300mg and topomax 300mg
at least i came off of 2000mg of depekote. (all at once. that was a trip.)
strange enough, i didnt lose any weight yet from coming off of it.

today i had a little bowl of red berry and 2 diet cokes.
i should really up my water intake.....

ive seriously cut back on my alcohol intake lately. over the summer i basically drank 4-5 bottles of jack a week....that's a LOT of calories...if you figure 70 cals a shot, 40 shots a bottle....2800 cals a bottle....14000 calories. god. ew. but it's not like...i dont know. i never really COUNTED them? i didnt eat so much. i ate once a day, usually some soup...and drank my drink...and watched movies and cried and slept...i lost 15 pounds doing that for a month. i joked and said it was "the alcoholics diet"....but it kind of was. *sigh*
i havent finished off a bottle in forever. it's been 2 months since i did coke....
i miss that though lol.
so yeah. i drink maybe once a week now. a vast improvement. it's hard. but better.

being poor is great for not eating. if you cant buy food, you cant eat it.
but now i have this amazing. AMAZING boyfriend. he knows about my battles with ana....and he's like, really concerned about me and trying to keep me like, healthy and all that.....
so it's really hard to try and skip meals and stuff. so when i eat, it's around him. otherwise i just really dont.
this would be so much easier if there were no other people around lol.
anyways. i hate winter. it makes me all like, crave stagnation. i just want to curl up in a ball and get tons of blankets and sleep.
i think i will crank loud ass music and clean vigorously my apartment instead.

some eye candy that isnt so sweet......(warning- bare back shot included) Collapse )

this place will be OURS again.
22 comments|post comment

last one, promise [11 Sep 2003|11:10pm]
skirts, pants, shoes...and a few completely random things...Collapse )
12 comments|post comment

more sale stuff from me [11 Sep 2003|11:09pm]
Warm and FurryCollapse )
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shameless self promotion [11 Sep 2003|11:08pm]
[ mood | broke! ]

Here's my idea of a way to make money to pay rent.
selling my shit.

ready? click on the links in my posts, and buy my stuff. Prices include postage, (extra for speedy postage lol). First come first serve.

ENJOY!!!Collapse )

2 comments|post comment

this fatass is gonna win. [01 Sep 2003|11:35pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

back to school...
im all determined on NOT being huge.
i hate this still. i feel SO trapped in here. like, ill look down at my body, and not recognize it as mine. as if the flesh is not mine....

anyone else in here on:
effexor XR
any comments on how they affect your weight? im on all 4....pretty hefty doses.....none of them really helping my insane bipolarism and hallucinations....


my STG is to get back to 140 by christmas. i think that is a more reasonable goal than 117 right now. 117 is my LTG.
right now - 162.
well..i WAS 205 in fall 2001.
now i just need to get to where i need to be and STAY THERE. ugh.
i feel completely out of control.
i was home alone and bored today, so of course, i ended up eating like a motherfucking PIG.
and im on my period. which is the third period ive had in over a year.

at least im taking 10 dance classes a week this year.
now i need to get my fat ass back in the gym so i dont have handfulls of lard on me.

in other news...
i told my best friend i love him.
and he wont allow anything to happen...
(even though he's been cheating on his gf with me since feb.)
i dont even have emotional control, much less control over food.

anyone feel free to add me.
AIM firecrackerktty.

and as always, report trolls to violetdollgrrl@aol.com or at the above aim.

hope being back at school (for those of you in it) is going well.
i need to do this again. i need to make myself ok.

4 comments|post comment

ugh. die. [22 Jul 2003|09:09pm]
[ mood | broken ]

ive slipped again.
i keep eating like, absolute shit.
not because im hungry
but because it's something to DO.
anyone else do that?
or i eat when im lonely
or bored.....
my stomach hurts...
and i cant look at myself in the mirror...
i hate what i see. all this flesh piled ontop of bones i cant see anymore...
i once saw them...lined up....pretty....
and they dissapeared back under this disgustingness.
cut like live fleshCollapse )

8 comments|post comment

FUCK YOUUUUU HACKER! [09 Jul 2003|02:15pm]
yes, i see the "la la la slap" thing....obnoxious. childish. someone needs like...a job, or a life...or something.
much like the rest of the trolls.
i advise everyone in here to change passwords asap.
just in case.

11 comments|post comment

live from new york... [18 Jun 2003|08:18pm]
[ mood | tired ]

so much....has changed.
life just whirled around i think.

im in nyc. i moved. i live in the lower east side. (near 1st and houston.) dont stalk me. i cut you.

i finally confessed everything to my best friend. and now i can confess to all of you.

in november 2002 i began purging. i know i have, myself, told many of you to never start...i dont know how it started and although i dont do it as frequently as i DID (now), i was up to doing it 5-6 times a day through december-march. my throat became raw and bled a lot....my voice was constantly scratchy....i eventually got sick again and coughed so much my throat bled in my sleep....id wake up and vomit blood. (i know some anti-ana is going to respond to this cleverly.....go ahead)....i started taking ex-lax a lot here too....in nov...nov-march...

christmas break was hard for me....and my family....i was heavier than i was during the summer (by 11 fucking pounds....ARGH)....and i just came off my big show....(im sure you remember reading about that, those that were around last summer...) so i was depressed about having nothing to do and i just kinda crashed. i drank a LOT and just slept all day. i think i gained 5 more pounds during that break from alcohol.

i went back to spring semester (and to mount a new show - A Chorus Line) feeling Fatter than ever (having failed at my attempt to come back thinner), still feeling sick, mentally unwell, and bruised from my family crisis........

in early february, the director of my program stopped me in the hall near her office as i was up there talking to the theater department head....."do you have a minute..?"

i said sure...i mean, we're pretty close i guess - after the last show i did with her we'd have to be.

she sat me down in her office and on that day in feb, said i looked extremely intense and stressed lately...and very haunted.....she asked if i was ok....

"im just tired probably...my new schedule is harsh..."
(i remember this convo almost precisely....i replayed it a million times...)
her "it's not that...you look really upset about something....are you ok?" and she looked at me...and in her eyes i saw her know. i saw her eyes tell me she knew.
me "well...im just stressed....i mean....it's " and my voice trailed off. i knew i wasnt going to get out of there without admitting.
her "...about what....are you ok? alie, look at me...."
me "...**long ass pause.*....ill be fine...im always fine, right? ....i guess im just trying to work on myself and keep myself in shape and im having a hard time with my family right now....they need me and i cant be there...." and i trailed off and began to cry..

from there it just progressed for almost 2 hours....she dragged nearly everything out of me. everything from my summer at the gym for 2-3 hours a day. passing out in the tub and razors under my tongue. cutting my legs and feet if i didnt run far enough. fasting. laxatives. purging. scratches in my throat. the taste of blood on my fingernails. my hair falling out. blacking out. fainting. eating one orange before a 12 hour rehearsal and calling it a lot of food. i told her. i turned myself in.



i dont know.

she took me in her arms and let me cry until i could stand up. i was too weak anyways. salad and mustard does that.....think thin....

after...she told me that if i didnt get help, help would be gotten for me. she said it was mandatory, because of my personal health and my position in the department - i had to get help. she was going to call ana/mia services on me....but i begged her not to....
i checked myself into the psych ward outpatient treatment clinic.
new shrinks
new meds
all on the lovely 11th floor of the hospital
they put the psychos up high...

also, i had to come to her office once a week to check in with her and have a talk...these were generally nice....i didnt mind talking to her.....i actually looked forwards to it sometimes..if id had something to say....she really did care about me. she knew what was going on. she respected it......
and i dont hate her for wanting to help me.
i hate myself for not being more stealth.

she said she knew for a long time....and just didnt say anything until then (feb)......

*if you've read till here you get a prize*


so now im on depekote (1500mg), topomax (200mg).
then i binged for 2 weeks on adderoll. fasted and binged on adderoll. i was flying. id never been more productive or lovely....i lost weight, my head was detached, i had nosebleeds and muscle shakes and jaw locks, and eye redness.......and i was thinning....i was in love.....the orange substance flying up my nose at every juncture....40mg a day.....
then i ran out.
then i died.
it was sudden.
i slept for 3 days and vomited
and shook
and became a puddle infront of my television
unable to form thought
or move in cohorent patterns....
but it lifted eventually.

and i gained back that weight.
fuck me.

then i was fine for a while......things were just going. i was in the gym...(for no more than 1 1/2 hours a day, as instructed. i was restricted in my use of it - i was being monitored)...i was eating 700-1000 cals a day (enough for dance classes and rehearsals and the gym to not pass out)...and i was losing slow and steady.

then came the major crash.
i heard them calling. they all started when i was sleeping, and crept into my sleep, and woke me up. i became so alert that i was sweating and shaking and i puked....i was overcome by this feeling of a woman telling me how worthless i was, and how i needed to cut off my skin....so i did. i started to...anyways.....
then i lay in bed and listened. there was more than one. i heard the woman, and then a little girl. she said "you're going to die"....
and i already knew.

and these things kept happening. but i just lay there, paralysed in bed, for house, not moving, barely breathing...just listening to them...

and i ate.
i ate and ate and ate.. they said feed me. they said feed me piggie...then they said gag me. gag me with everything. gag me with a knife. i used a knife to gag myself once..i remember bleeding from my throat over the toilet and looking at it knowing it was bad....but hearing that voice and knowing i HAD to do it for her.

3 weeks this went on. i did not shower. i went to a few classes. i had not changed my medication. i had not changed anything. i was in a very strange depressive state.
i could not think of anything but suicide.
every time i closed my eyes, i saw images of my own death.......different ways....different pieces....flashes....
all vivid..
brought from the voices...
they taunted me
and at night too
she would say to write it on the mirror..for me to remember it later.
why did that door slam me in here so hard?

i had cut my body up pretty badly....
i was supposed to go to my Dr....but fuckhead cancelled on me. i decided to go to the ER.
my friend jeff came over and brought me. it wasnt pretty.
i sat there and shook and shook as they asked me all these questions in the psych cells....
the walls are yellow
peeled paint with blue underneath....
i kept beating at the walls
not looking at anyone
my arms itched
and my sweater was my armor. it was cold.

i left with a prescription...."dont harm yourself. use neosporin on all cuts." and one for effexor.

there's more...that's nov-march....in a SMALL nutshell.

i still hate my body
i still am 40 pounds away from happy
i still need to be less
and perfection never comes.
i cant look at myself....
but effexor creates enough apathy where i can deal
i guess.

if you read all this...thank you....

i miss you guys.

24 comments|post comment

hmmmm [03 Mar 2003|10:19pm]
14 comments|post comment

[03 Mar 2003|06:40pm]
just go here?

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[03 Mar 2003|08:30am]
trying again

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well..there goes that idea. [02 Mar 2003|11:15pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

rehearsal today was unbearable. i couldnt feel my legs. not at all. it was as if they had gone completely numb from something.....the muscles wouldnt work, and i could barely walk across the room, let alone dance like everyone else. and i know im being watched.
everyone watches.

no gym again today. i have to go tomorrow. no choice. i need to lose weight or die.

intake: (horrible)
honeydew/watermelon - 100
pria bar (at rehearsal, i was seeing spots and hearing things so loud i couldnt hear what i was supposed to be doing.....) - 110
carrot pieces - 100
fat free yogart - 80
2 eggs - 160
creme of wheat - 200
banana - 100
im guessing i ate about 960 cals. a lot of it was fruit/veggies though....and something had to be done about the legs not working....
i still hear the talking...all around me. it's like...closing in. and if i eat something it gets worse.......it teases me.
it woke me up when i was sleeping.....it hit me in the chest and said "you're going to die".

i made some chicken, corn and bakes beans, but when i sat down to eat it i didnt want it. so i put it in the fridge. woot.

tomorrow i hope my energy is better. i have ballet, pointe and the gym. no rehearsal. i have to do this. i cant live like this. i cant be fat. i have to lose. if the scale doesnt move down, i cant be happy.

when did the door close behind me......? god this room is dark.

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ugh [28 Feb 2003|09:09pm]
just go here:


that's my fat ass...all up online. yay.

there's a mixed bag there.....one of me on my 21st bday, one from a show i did (the one with all the people onstage, im the one in white), 2 of me as christina aguilera (it was a pimps and ho's party), 2 from my brother's 18th bday (the other chick is my ana sister....and those are HORRIBLE pics of her, she's really gorgeous), one of me with my hair all curly.....and my headshot. i look fat in it. but it's my face. i hate it.

yeah. go ogle. i hate it.
2 comments|post comment

testing [28 Feb 2003|09:08pm]
trying to make pics appear
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NEW MONTH!!! [01 Feb 2003|03:02pm]
[ mood | sore ]

Today is the start of a new month, and the start of another new beginning. it's another chance. start over at square 1......decide where you want to be on Feb 28, and work for the next 28 days at that goal....
i know i will.
January was a kick in the ass for me.....i went to the gym nearly every single day, i had dance class every day there was school...rehearsal for my show started.....but i weigh the fucking SAME as i did on Jan. 1st. WHY!!??!?!?! ive been counting cals like mad.........and i try and i try and i try......
and i failed in january.

I will not fail this time. Failing is NOT an option anymore. i dont care if i fall down, or my body gets weak again.....i refuse to stay fat. it's disgusting.

Off to the gym i go, the first time in FEB!! :)

10 comments|post comment

frustrated [16 Jan 2003|08:11am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

yeah....im getting frustrated. ive held at the same weight for a few days now, and ive done nothing but exercise, dance, exercise, dance, etc. and not eat more than 700 cals (and they're always 700 "good" cals, not any bad food)
any advice?
ugh. so tired. 9am "mime and movement" classes are not allowed.

3 comments|post comment

checking this out.... [12 Jan 2003|12:38am]
A funky pic of me
1 comment|post comment

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